T

he mid-life crisis. It's what happens to some men and women of a certain age when they realize that they aren't getting any younger. Their time is running out and if they don't start living—really living—it'll soon be too late. The mid-life crisis manifests itself in a variety of ways: some people have affairs with people half their age, some people quit their jobs and embark on a spiritual quest, and some get multiple plastic surgeries until they no longer appear human. But the most popular expression of a mid-life crisis is the purchase of a new car. 

Society has changed considerably since the mid-life crisis was first discovered in 1965 by Canadian psychoanalyst Elliot Jaques. Our culture is more diverse, and as a result we may not all choose to express our mid-life crisis in the same way. With that in mind, we thought we'd present this handy guide to help you choose what mid-life crisis car is right for you.


vette 

The Old-School: Corvette Convertible

Some people like to go with the classics. Whether you want to pay tribute to the mid-life crises of your forefathers, or have an "ironic" mid-life crisis, you have to go with this classic convertible sports car. The Corvette has long been the ultimate symbol of the old guy trying desperately to seem young, and with a newly redesigned 'Vette about to be revealed at next year's Detroit Auto Show, there's never been a better time for you to grow your balding hair into a pony tail, put on a baseball cap, crank out "Born To Be Wild," and get yourself to your prostate exam in style.

bentley 

The One-Percenter: Bentley Continental GT V8 Convertible

If you're an investment banker who's tired of all the hate coming from Occupy Wall Street and all those other haters who think you should be punished just because your reckless gambling with other peoples' retirement funds resulted in one of the biggest recessions since the 1920s, there's nothing like a new Bentley to help ease the pain. If, like former BP CEO Tony Hayward, you find yourself saying "I'd like my life back," the Continental GT V8 Convertible is just the thing. As the brochure says, "one of the incidental pleasures of hood-down motoring is the chance to enjoy the V8’s mechanical symphony…in full surround sound."

ceyenne 

The Divorced Dad: Porsche Cayenne

Modern divorce is different than it was in your dad's day. Nowadays dads are expected to actually take part in the lives of their children, even after divorce. So unless you can afford to be a two-car single parent, your mid-life crisis car is going to have to be a family car. You can fit a child seat in the back of a Mustang, but once the kids are bigger they're not going to fit there anymore. Since there's no way to feel young again in a minivan, this trendy crossover is the closest you'll get to driving something cool. Just remember to take out the car seat when you pick up your 22-year-old girlfriend. Unless she's also your babysitter, in which case you're golden.

shelby 

The Douche: Shelby Mustang

The stereotypical mid-lifer is a divorcé, but skeezy, misogynistic eternal bachelors can have mid-life crises too. To be fair, it can be hard to tell exactly when the extended adolescence ends and the mid-life crisis begins, but the good news is it won't matter to the endless parade of strippers and escorts you'll be taxiing around in your Shelby 'Stang.

mini 

The Cougar: Mini Cooper S

Statistically speaking, females are far less prone to mid-life crises, but it isn't unheard of. And when you meet the young man from cougarlife.com for the first time, showing up behind the wheel of an Odyssey probably won't strike the right seductive chord. But the Mini Cooper is small, sporty, feminine, and fast enough to get you home in time for Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo.


subu 

The LGBT: Subaru Impreza WRX

Alternative lifestyles call for an alternative mid-life crisis car. The Impreza WRX has the safety, dependability, and practicality you've come to love about Subarus, but its sport-tuned suspension, turbocharged engine, and quad-outlet exhausts practically scream "I'm here, I'm queer, but I am NOT past my prime!"


s 

The Ex-Hippie: Tesla Model S

Just because it's not the '60s anymore doesn't mean you have to abandon your principals and spend your medical marijuana dispensary profits on supporting the oil industry. The Tesla S is fast, furious, and unlike internal-combustion-driven cars,  doesn't run on evil (unless you count the oil used in its manufacture and delivery or the coal burned to create the electricity to charge its batteries).

ram 

The Blue Collar: Ram Laramie Limited

Let's face it, you're a working man, and staring down the barrel of AARP membership is not going to change that. But you still want to live out the dreams of your youth, which is why the Laramie Limited is the truck for you. It's got the toughness of a Ram, with the luxury of a Durango. Even with its high gloss piano-black center stack, liquid graphite side bezels and bright chrome vent rings, it's still a mean, un-green, haulin' machine. And yes, it's got a Hemi.

42 

The Working Poor: Smart ForTwo Cabriolet

Not everyone going through a mid-life crisis can afford a sports car, but you can still get yourself a convertible, as long as you're not overly concerned with speed, practicality, or looking even remotely cool. The Smart ForTwo Cabriolet can be yours for only $18,400. And though it won't make you feel young, hip, or even a little bit sexy, it is still a convertible. Also, it's easy to park, and that has to count for something. Right?

cart 

The Itinerant: GSW100 Shopping Cart

Sadly, at this point in your financial life, a car is no longer a viable option. But that doesn't mean you can't impress your fellow vagabonds. The GSW100 is the Cadillac of carts, with its 110-pound capacity, its four cubic feet of storage space, and its front swivel casters. Just make sure you keep it out of sight when you're working your "will work for food" sign, or people will think you're already pretty well off.