happy
Why trouble yourself with the frustrations of real life when the virtual world has so much more to offer?

Web2Carz is proud to present the first in our exciting new series of self-help advertorials. The following is an excerpt from the new e-Book “How To Win Likes and Influence Hashtags” written by motivational tweeter @dalecarn.

I

n our modern, fast-paced world we are beset on all sides by mindless distractions. Our families cry out for our love, our friends make demands on our time, and our bosses expect us to work. Even our religious beliefs sometimes take our minds and bodies away from the things in life that really matter. With all of these annoyances, it’s a wonder any of us have time to update our statuses. The typical American is barely able to freshen their Pinterest page more than six or seven times a day, let alone tweet on an hourly basis.

THE PROBLEM
According to one recent study, we spend as much as two hours of our working day on Facebook. Another study has suggested that we spend an average of 23 days a year on our smartphones. These are shocking statistics, and the inevitable question must be asked: What are people doing with the rest of their time?

There are two types of people in the world: Those who lead, and those who have a lot of followers.

The answer is simple: they’re wasting it. They’re wasting it going places, doing things, having conversations, working, making love, creating art, making music, eating, drinking, and yes, even sleeping.

A wise man once tweeted, “the un-live-blogged life is not worth living.” That saying was posted more than seven months ago, and yet still people are going to concerts without recording them on their iPhones and posting the videos to YouTube. 

outdoors
Some people actually still believe that phones are for talking on. The time this man spends having this conversation while looking at nature could be so much better spent writing a Facebook status about how much Facebook sucks.

The following message was recently tweeted by someone who shall, for obvious reasons, remain anonymous: “Just saw an old person fall down. This is so sad. She’s still on the ground. Why am I tweeting about this?” 

Do you see anything wrong with this picture? 

Of course you don’t, because the person who tweeted it neglected to take a picture. Can you imagine how viral that picture would have gone? That tweeter could have spearheaded an entire “old people falling” meme that could have grown to one day produce its own hashtag (#TheyveFallenAndTheyCantGetUp or #OldAndFrailFAILS). 

Let’s face it. It’s the 21st Century. Life’s too short to spend it doing things and talking about stuff. There are two types of people in the world: Those who lead, and those who have a lot of followers. Being a leader was all well and good for your older twin, but the world has changed, and these days if your posts aren’t getting “likes” and your tweets aren’t getting retweeted, you might as well write about it on your LiveJournal page because no one’s going to care.

THE SOLUTION
The progress of technology is frustratingly slow, and until we all have Google Glass, we’re going to have to train ourselves to see the world as more than just the tangible fabric of reality within which all things happen. Because beyond all that lies a virtual universe full of virtual possibilities. A place where people you’ve never met will show you pictures of places you’ll never go. A place where women who may be men will tempt you with pleasures that may be illegal. But until you learn to stop looking out of windows and walking out of doors, you’ll always be less than all your online avatar can be. 

Fortunately there are things you can do to rid yourself of offline distractions and get yourself back online where you belong.

In the slideshows that follow, you’ll learn the secrets to a richer, more fulfilling virtual existence. With these simple steps you, too, can be the most “liked,” most “followed,” most “re-pinned,” and most “forwarded” person on your news feed. 

Here’s just a sample of what you’ll learn.

You Are What You Watch
Are you spending your nights and weekends in front of the TV watching movies and programs simply for entertainment? Let me teach you how to live tweet your favorite shows, compose a proper critique, and avoid spoilers.

cyber
Despite what this stock image may lead you to believe, there is no "cybersex" key on any computer. You have to try a bit harder than that.

The Subtle Art of Disinfotainment
If you want to make a convincing argument, there’s no better tool than an infographic. And unlike traditional methods of debate, infographics require only two things: information and graphics. Many people get hung up on using “facts” when constructing their infographics, but they’re simply missing the point. I will teach you the secrets (previously known only to people at infowars.com) of how to use delusional theories and paranoid fantasies to construct wildly misleading, but hugely popular infographics.

Sext Sells: How to Undress For Success
Of course cybersex is awesome—who doesn’t know that? But believe it or not, many people think they are too “unattractive,” too “old,” or too “married” to engage in online intercourse. Of course, nothing could be further than the truth, because nothing is more irrelevant than the truth. You too can learn the ancient art of Photoshop to help you shed those 60 or 70 extra pounds, or give yourself that head transplant you so desperately need. Using my secrets of cyber seduction, along with my patented one-hand typing techniques, will turn you into an online Casanova faster than you can say Manti Te’o.

If a Meme of a Tree Falling in the Woods Gets Posted on MySpace Is It Still a Meme?
We all know how important popular memes are, but if your cute cat meme doesn’t go viral it’s about as useless as actually owning a cat. My meme-generating skills have been used to create not only the wildly popular “More Cowbell,” “LOLCat,” and “I Can Haz Cheeseburger” memes, but were also employed to craft today’s wildly popular “marriage equality” icons.

Friends, Subscribers, Followers: Lend Me Your Likes
Posting on Facebook, Google+ or—if you’re compulsive—MySpace is important, but if your posts don’t get liked or +1’d or whatever they do on MySpace, you won’t be doing your friend list any favors. My tools will help you hone your snark skills so that you can troll like a champ, keeping comment strings going long after most people have stopped reading, and always ensuring that your shrill, irate, irrational voice is heard above all the rest.

Next Week: The Seven Effective Habits of High People