Florida Man on Quest to Find Dinosaur

D

inosaurs are extinct. They've been extinct for a good long time. Right? Right. It's a widely accepted fact, but one Florida man isn't ready to give up on a quest to find a real live dino. Joe Marrero will soon be travelling to the Congo with a team to discover, and possibly bring back, a living dinosaur.

Wait, is this The Onion?

Unfortunately, no. Joe Marrero is for real. The Hollywood, Florida man is the eldest of the six-man team, called the Newmac Expedition—named after its two founders, leader Stephen McCullah and survival expert Sam Newton. The group will be tracking a legendary sauropod along the Congo River; the creature is said to live along the river's shore.

Only two explorers have claimed to see the creature, both under "dubious circumstances" (is that code for "they were drunk"?).

"Because 80 percent of the country is not explored, creatures like this could exist," said Marrero, who seemingly missed the whole "extinction" memo. "I believe it's a large, unknown species of monitor lizard, kind of like the Komodo dragon in Indonesia."

At least 15 expeditions have tried to find this creature, and only two explorers have claimed to see it, both under "dubious circumstances" (is that code for "they were drunk"?).

McCullah, 21 (is this telling?), said, "I definitely think it could exist. We're bringing a tranq gun."

The group plans to fly into Brazzaville, capital of the Republic of Congo, then travel to Impfondo upriver, then trek about 60 miles to a pygmy village near Lake Tele, where the creature is said to hang out. Other creatures in the area include—oh God—dog-sized tarantulas and man-eating fish.

"It's going to be pretty rough out there, even by African standards," Marrero said. "There's a risk to everything in life. You have to make a choice how you want to live and what you want to do in your life."

Sounds like Marrero has been following Drake's life advice: "YOLO."