Hollywood’s Lack of Ideas Is Getting Old.

Total Recall, now and then.

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ollywood remakes are as old as Hollywood itself, —older, actually. The first film to bethat was remade is often considered to be the first true feature film. The Great Train Robbery, made in 1903 was the first film to tell a narrative story. But by 1904, someone already figured out how to tell the story better, and The Great Train Robbery was remade, just a year after the original.

In the beginning, remakes were often done in order to improve on poorly made films. It wasn’t unusual for directors to remake their own films. Alfred Hitchcock remade his 1934 film The Man Who Knew Too Much in 1956. Frank Capra remade his 1933 film Lady for a Day into Pocketful of Miracles in 1961, and then remade his 1934 film Broadway Bill into Riding High in 1950.

Better to remake a film that was already successful once than take a chance with an original story that might prove to be a failure.

But in recent years, remakes have become something else entirely. Far from trying to improve on less-than-perfect originals, modern remakes seek only to play it safe. Better to remake a film that was already successful once than take a chance with an original story that might prove to be a failure. If there’s one thing that can be said about modern film studios, it’s that they’ll do anything to avoid telling an original story.

The new Annie?

A great number of recent big-budget films are retellings of familiar stories. If it’s not a remake it’s an adaptation of a successful novel, comic books, television show, or video game. And almost without exception, modern remakes are vastly inferior to the originals (Arthur, anyone?) And judging from the list of upcoming Hollywood films, this trend shows no signs of slowing.

Here’s a look at just a few of the more than 50 remakes scheduled to be released in the next few years.

All Quiet On the Western Front – How many times have you said to yourself, “If only they’d remake a classic World War I film with the guy who played Harry Potter?” What’s that? Never? Us either.

Annie – How about Willow Smith as the precocious singing daughter of a multi-millionaire father?  It’s a hard knock life alright.

Barbarella – Classic and campy and sexy as it was, Barbarella was an awful film, and could actually stand to be remade into something more serious. And when Rose McGowan was attached we were a little curious, but she’s apparently passed on the role. It remains to be seen who will be picked to fill Jane Fonda’s...uh...shoes.

The Birds – Because trying to outdo Alfred Hitchcock is always a really smart idea. Don’t believe me? Try to sit through Gus Van Sant’s 1988 shot-by-shot remake of Psycho with Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche.

Carrie – Another seemingly pointless remake, but it’s being directed by Kimberly Pierce, who is best known for Boys Don’t Cry, which may make for an interesting post-feminist take on the classic original.

Child’s Play – Original screenwriter Don Mancini is behind this one, and he’s directing too. Brad Dourif (Billy Bibbit in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) was the original voice of the murderous doll, and he’s signed on for this as well.

House Party – Honestly, how are you gonna improve on a Kid ‘n’ Play movie? That’s right, you’re not, so why try?

Point Break – The original had not only Patrick Swazye, but Keanu Reeves. No word on who will star in the remake, but we don’t see how they’ll ever out-cheese the original. 

Porky’s – Porky’s was the ultimate teen movie. Nudity, dumb jokes, and nudity. It’s no surprise this remake is being produced by Howard Stern, but given that he’s been talking about it since shortly after his film Private Parts, we’re not holding our breath. 

A Star is Born – Okay, Beyonce is definitely a step up from Barbara Streisand, at least as a leading lady, but does anyone want to see Tom Cruise step into the role made famous by Kris Kirstofferson? Not even with Clint Eastwood directing?

The Warriors – The ultimate in bad ideas. The original film, directed by Walter Hill (48 Hours), is about as perfect as a movie about a gang wrongly accused of murder having to make their way from Central Park to Coney Island while being chased by every other gang in New York City possibly could be. Let’s hope that whoever’s behind this pointless remake gets caught by the Baseball Furies and beaten to a bloody pulp. Can you dig it?